ZOMG!

Mk! First--Bonasee. Beyonce. Bouncy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbGV2_8Yqg4

BACK FROM EUROPE FRIEND(s? eh?). Europeanfashionseuropeanfashions. In love with Amsterdam, Yamsterma'am. You too now--































This guy was sitting in front of his house reading with the front door open, blasting Miles Davis. He was the very essence. I made Tamar stand at an awkward angle so I could pretend to take a picture of her and while really sneaking a picture of him. I looked through his door as we walked by, and the whole thing was white, like jam-hands-have-never-crossed-my-mind-white, and an entire wall, two stories, was a bookshelf.

Here's cute little Brugges, setting of a tragically under-watched Colin Ferrel movie:























Later, in Paris, T slept while I ventured outward to the Latin Quarter. Tried to go to St-Chapelle, which is like a High Gothic trinket box, but the line was too long, and I've been there before anyways. But! I crossed the river and stumbled upon this:




St-Severin, which I must have studied before, but I somehow don't remember it.








But look at this closer:























Isn't that gorgeous?


I have many requisite river/bridge/Eiffel Tower/old buildings I love shots as well, but more importantly, I'd like to address EUROPEAN FASHIONS, the acquisition and adoration of which were a major goal of the trip. Huge (often plaid) shirts, tiny jodhpur pants, men's trousers, weird sweaters, vintage blouses, little boots that say "Hello, I'm off to perform spoken-word Donovan covers in the East Village," cut-off shorts but the kind that look like they're $350, sheer linen blouses, leopard!, fur!, Ray-Bans, Repetto (ugh), leggings but I mean weird leggings, s&m gladiators, IRO zip-up skinnyskinny bleached jeans that you wear really bunched at the bottom, very 40s men's dress shoes, wild glasses (mine looked monumentally conservative in comparison), super tailored blazers, hats!, scarves, and sequinsequins everywhere. Everything is more expensive, but everything looks more expensive I guess. And everyone was perfectly tan, and everyone (in both Paris and Amsterdam) was gorgeous and dressed just-so regardless of what size they were.

Oh! and I saw these leggings in Maje that were black, buttery-soft, sueded but shiny, and they were the most gorgeous things in the entire universe, and rightly so because they were 480 euro. They were the one thing I wantedwantedwantedbutjustcouldn'tget.

But we spent the last two days of the trip madly erupting into, "Oh! My new huge plaid shirt, with my tutu, and my boots from..." "Oh! My men's pants, with my bibbed top, and my tiny cowboy boots..."

Also? Hobos in Paris? Wearing suits, and drinking champagne.

AND THE BEST THING--everyone's riding their bike in Amsterdam, like the vintage cruisery kind I have but don't ride anymore, in their tiny dresses and heels. I loved it so much that I might start riding it again, and in my silly outfits. Or at least I'll be less weirded out about riding my bike in normal clothing. It made me hate that everyone in Philadelphia goes so stupidly nuts for their roadbikes and fixies, those pretentious bastards.

Anyways--wild jetlag, and I want to wander around South Street and buy cheap jewelry, and I want to find weird tights in H&M, so I guess I'm off to do that.

In conclusion: everything is better Overthere, or at least better looking.

A FEW ORDERS OF BUSINESS

1) MARIAH CAREY. Rules. To wit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-xk1oSi5JQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlyVcQ8GmK0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srX1R812drI
That hair snap was kind of a big thing in "Vision of Love," as I recall from Pop-Up Video.

1a) Pop-Up Video. Moment of silence.

2)


















3) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greenville,_Delaware
(I'm very homesick as of late, you see.)

4) Impending New Hampshire. Which sounds like a captcha.

5) Who is John Mayer's fan base? I am totally confused.

Feministing.

As usual, I'm mulling over a magnum opus on female rock stars.

I would really love to write a book on that subject, actually. Not at all in the lame, beaten-to-death WOMEN WHO ROCK!!!! vein, but rather in the Kicking Ass vein, a tragically under-explored arena. Patti Smith, of course, plus Kim Gordon, plus Stevie Nicks, Cyndia Lauper, no Pat Benetar because she boresboresbores me, '60s girl groups ("Egyptian Shumba"!), no Debbie Harry because are you serious?

I think what I'll start doing is writing lots of essays about rock and roll. One because I need to practice writing, and two because I can never stop thinking and wanting to talk about rock and roll, and/or women/feminism.





















...expresso yourself

"I'm just really glad I'm not a model." -S. Smith

No but seriously though guys

Things to Make You Feel Like You're Shopping at the Gap
1) (Nice name, too)
2)














3)













4)

















5)

Culturally significant.

http://www.eternalmoonwalk.com/

Today's Alien Attack Courtesy of Ms. T.L.

"She was so hipster; she had never had braces."

The FILM.

Such prestigious news outlets as In Touch and OK! magazine are constantly casting about for new ideas of sexiness: the MILF (Palin?), the cougar (Demi Moore), the hot doctor (McDreamy), the androgynous female (Agyness Deyn), the guy who is hot because he has bangs (Zefron, Chuck Bass's boyfriend). Specifically, attempts are often made to figure out how to position older women as sexy, like, Yo, some bitch can still be hot even if she's like, 40.

This is troublesome, of course, because not only does it suggest that the attractive older woman is an exception to the rule, but also because in order to be classified as a MILF or Cougar, you still have to look like you're 25.

And so, in what is something of a feminist effort but mostly just a reflection of a shockingly passed over phenomenon, I would like to present an all-new category of female sexiness: the FILM, or Fuck I'd Like to Mom. This term is meant to describe bonafied hotties, who are not moving into the slowly sagging cragginess of their 40s, but rather, are still in the prime time of their lives, and yet appear particularly destined for MILFhood.

To wit:














Back in the day, Reese Witherspoon was the foremost FILM of her time.














Ladies and gentleman, the FILM of our time.


















And this one.




























Isn't she poised to develop some cougary tawniness?!































She'll say to Dakota Fanning, "When I was YOUR age, wearing vibrating underwear was the makings of a great comedic scene!"

All very attractive now, sure, but it's kind of like, all of their features are so in line, they possess in such perfection in all the things that should make an attractive female, that it almost makes them kind of boring. For now. Just wait until they hit 35, and suddenly, they will explode into FILMdom.

Your New Favorite Movie

[Note: this is kind of cheating, because I actually did send this to my boo this morning, but like, it's pretty exemplary of my thought process in general and as a result I am posting it.]

I'm at work and there's nothing to do, so I'm perusing the seediest of news outlets, and what should I discover but, as the subject of this email suggests, a spectacular contender for your new favorite film.

Please allow me to explain to you via a highly scientific mode of metric scoring why this film is poised to be not only your new favorite film, but The Greatest Film of Our Time (henceforth TGFOOT).

States the article's lede: "After a 10-year hiatus from mainstream movies, Brooke Shields is returning to the big screen, coming aboard Summit and Participant Media's live-action family comedy "Furry Vengeance.""

Brooke Shields (MILF/Cougar/ageless hottie): +1/2
Brooke Shields--the Lolita divine from that cinematic treasure "The Blue Lagoon," famous for uttering "Nothing gets between me and my Calvins" at the ripe age of 15--in a "live-action family comedy": +1
Title, which sounds like porn: +2

(Score so far: 1/2 + 1 + 3 = 4.5)

But wait--it gets better. Parentheticals mine.

"The company also announced that Dick Van Dyke (Diagnosis HELL YES--+2), Ken Jeong (who? Wikipedia says he is "an American comedian, actor, and physician." That's so Asian--he can only be an actor if he's also a doctor? -1/2) and Samantha Bee ("Daily Show"=street cred=+1) have joined the cast of the live-action family pic.

(Score so far: 4.5 + 2 -.5 + 1 = 7)

Brendan Fraser (OMGGGG THE MARK OF A TRULY GREAT FILM +10. His presence surely means that when we look to the future, we look not just at "Furry Vengeance," but at "Furry Vengeances 1-5," the last three of which will surely involve Amy Jo Johnson (alias: the Pink Power Ranger) taking over for Brooke Shields) is playing the lead in Roger Kumble's film (of both installations of "Cruel Intentions," (+2!) which will surely make more sense when you read the following:) which centers on a real estate developer who gets more than he bargained for from (oh who could it be? Brooke Shields as an angry soccer mom, so protective of the neighborhood where her precious little strikers kicked their first balls? A geriatric Dick Van Dyke warbling on about the dissolution of family values?) a band of raccoons (FUCK YES +12) when he pushes too hard into more pristine territory. Shields will play Tami Sanders, the wife of Fraser's character (Oh. -.5)

(Score so far: 7 + 10 + 2 + 12 - .5 = 30.5)

Shields returns to a mainstream big-screen role -- she did have some turns in animated and DVD fare -- for the first time since 1999, when she starred in James Toback's hip-hop drama "Black and White." (But of course she did. A quick internet search indicates that this tells the great tale of white students interacting with "Harlem's black hip-hop crowd." Tagline: "What happens when you mix it up?" Her notable achievements here seem to peak at "wearing dreadlocks" and "having her nose pierced temporarily especially for the film." How Strasbergian. Charlize Theron, look out!)

She also has been in the news this week for her intimate eulogy of Michael Jackson. (You missed this, but she basically got onstage and sobbed about losing her "best friend" when it turns out she hadn't seen MJ since 1991. Kind of lame, -1. But the complex plot of "Furry Vengeance" isn't going to market itself, so +1.)

(Score so far: 30.5 - 1 + 1 = 30.5)

The WME-repped Van Dyke has had a host of television and film roles during his long career, which most recently included a turn in Shawn Levy's "Night at the Museum" franchise. (WHAT THE FUCK YOUR DAD SHARES HIS NAME WITH THE PRODUCER OF "NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM"? + 50 DESPITE THIS HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FILM.

(Score so far: 30.5 + 50 = 80.5)

Jeong, repped by Gersh, is fresh off his scene-stealing turn as a gangster in Warners' summer hit "The Hangover" (ehhh -.5 just as a small token of feminism) and has signed for several other comedies in the wake of that success.

(Score so far: 80.5 - .5 = 80)

Bee, also repped by WME, is a longtime correspondent for "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" who has a supporting role in Woody Allen's "Whatever Works."(We've already given Bee points for her Daily Show agility, but unfortunately being in a Woody Allen film means nothing anymore, even if--like this one--you're alongside Larry David and Patricia Clarkson. You're still going to be forced to recite sililoquies on how you fear that if you suddenly die of a heart attack while walking past a synagogue on your way to H&H bagels on the Upper West Side, God will have trouble finding you to mete out eternal justice because cynically he wasn't expecting to find you there. Or some equally torturous bullshit. Plus she probably ended up with some dude way older and shorter than her. So, sorry Samantha, but -1).

So! Final score: 80 - 1 = 79.

IMDB tells me that the highest scoring film on their website, "The Shawshank Redemption," comes in at a 9.1. Simple math will tell us that, obviously:

79 > 9.1

And so, my dear, my hypothesis was correct. Your new favorite film, TGFOOT, likely to sweep all of 2010's award shows, ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration, "Furry Vengeance."

The Very First Alien Attack.

And so I cull all my best* thoughts here.

*Also, "best" is sort of a relative term.