Your New Favorite Movie

[Note: this is kind of cheating, because I actually did send this to my boo this morning, but like, it's pretty exemplary of my thought process in general and as a result I am posting it.]

I'm at work and there's nothing to do, so I'm perusing the seediest of news outlets, and what should I discover but, as the subject of this email suggests, a spectacular contender for your new favorite film.

Please allow me to explain to you via a highly scientific mode of metric scoring why this film is poised to be not only your new favorite film, but The Greatest Film of Our Time (henceforth TGFOOT).

States the article's lede: "After a 10-year hiatus from mainstream movies, Brooke Shields is returning to the big screen, coming aboard Summit and Participant Media's live-action family comedy "Furry Vengeance.""

Brooke Shields (MILF/Cougar/ageless hottie): +1/2
Brooke Shields--the Lolita divine from that cinematic treasure "The Blue Lagoon," famous for uttering "Nothing gets between me and my Calvins" at the ripe age of 15--in a "live-action family comedy": +1
Title, which sounds like porn: +2

(Score so far: 1/2 + 1 + 3 = 4.5)

But wait--it gets better. Parentheticals mine.

"The company also announced that Dick Van Dyke (Diagnosis HELL YES--+2), Ken Jeong (who? Wikipedia says he is "an American comedian, actor, and physician." That's so Asian--he can only be an actor if he's also a doctor? -1/2) and Samantha Bee ("Daily Show"=street cred=+1) have joined the cast of the live-action family pic.

(Score so far: 4.5 + 2 -.5 + 1 = 7)

Brendan Fraser (OMGGGG THE MARK OF A TRULY GREAT FILM +10. His presence surely means that when we look to the future, we look not just at "Furry Vengeance," but at "Furry Vengeances 1-5," the last three of which will surely involve Amy Jo Johnson (alias: the Pink Power Ranger) taking over for Brooke Shields) is playing the lead in Roger Kumble's film (of both installations of "Cruel Intentions," (+2!) which will surely make more sense when you read the following:) which centers on a real estate developer who gets more than he bargained for from (oh who could it be? Brooke Shields as an angry soccer mom, so protective of the neighborhood where her precious little strikers kicked their first balls? A geriatric Dick Van Dyke warbling on about the dissolution of family values?) a band of raccoons (FUCK YES +12) when he pushes too hard into more pristine territory. Shields will play Tami Sanders, the wife of Fraser's character (Oh. -.5)

(Score so far: 7 + 10 + 2 + 12 - .5 = 30.5)

Shields returns to a mainstream big-screen role -- she did have some turns in animated and DVD fare -- for the first time since 1999, when she starred in James Toback's hip-hop drama "Black and White." (But of course she did. A quick internet search indicates that this tells the great tale of white students interacting with "Harlem's black hip-hop crowd." Tagline: "What happens when you mix it up?" Her notable achievements here seem to peak at "wearing dreadlocks" and "having her nose pierced temporarily especially for the film." How Strasbergian. Charlize Theron, look out!)

She also has been in the news this week for her intimate eulogy of Michael Jackson. (You missed this, but she basically got onstage and sobbed about losing her "best friend" when it turns out she hadn't seen MJ since 1991. Kind of lame, -1. But the complex plot of "Furry Vengeance" isn't going to market itself, so +1.)

(Score so far: 30.5 - 1 + 1 = 30.5)

The WME-repped Van Dyke has had a host of television and film roles during his long career, which most recently included a turn in Shawn Levy's "Night at the Museum" franchise. (WHAT THE FUCK YOUR DAD SHARES HIS NAME WITH THE PRODUCER OF "NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM"? + 50 DESPITE THIS HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FILM.

(Score so far: 30.5 + 50 = 80.5)

Jeong, repped by Gersh, is fresh off his scene-stealing turn as a gangster in Warners' summer hit "The Hangover" (ehhh -.5 just as a small token of feminism) and has signed for several other comedies in the wake of that success.

(Score so far: 80.5 - .5 = 80)

Bee, also repped by WME, is a longtime correspondent for "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" who has a supporting role in Woody Allen's "Whatever Works."(We've already given Bee points for her Daily Show agility, but unfortunately being in a Woody Allen film means nothing anymore, even if--like this one--you're alongside Larry David and Patricia Clarkson. You're still going to be forced to recite sililoquies on how you fear that if you suddenly die of a heart attack while walking past a synagogue on your way to H&H bagels on the Upper West Side, God will have trouble finding you to mete out eternal justice because cynically he wasn't expecting to find you there. Or some equally torturous bullshit. Plus she probably ended up with some dude way older and shorter than her. So, sorry Samantha, but -1).

So! Final score: 80 - 1 = 79.

IMDB tells me that the highest scoring film on their website, "The Shawshank Redemption," comes in at a 9.1. Simple math will tell us that, obviously:

79 > 9.1

And so, my dear, my hypothesis was correct. Your new favorite film, TGFOOT, likely to sweep all of 2010's award shows, ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration, "Furry Vengeance."